Dreamgurl4lyfe

dreamgurl4lyfe @ 2005-01-22T21:48:00

2005-01-23T02:46:50Z

haha man...looking back on my stupidity is humorus...but anyway...this is no longer my journal, and hasnt been for, well, a long time...

my current one is accually at xanga.com under the name i_am_not_them....just incase you really wanted to know

wow

2003-12-27T05:26:21Z

ah-ha, old friends AIM profiles lead you back to old memories. yes, tonight while looking at kellys profile, BAM! lookie what i found. glancing back i cant believe any of this mattered to me. i reckon when i look back on this journal in another year, i'll be able to say the same. much has happend, but i do not have the time, nor the patience to write it all out. i dont even really care, for the most part. i imagine i will leave the past in the past for purposes of leaving pain behind. i doubt that i will even return to this site for any other purpose than to reminisce about the past. i could be wrong, however. i had some good times, but even better in the times between the journals. some good times in which i was the only person present. i have had many after it too, and i'm positive that i have more to come. i believe i will keep those to myself. it is utterly astonishing how in the twinkling of an eye, your life can pass before you. haha listen to me, i sound like a 45 year old going through a mid-life crisis. it is true though, and i think i will take a second listen to the advice that others try to tell me. in any matter, i will be going now. best of luck to you in your dreams and hardships, whoever you are.

i'm not telling this happily...i jus have to tell it...

2002-01-07T22:19:04Z

omg this is really weird. i havn't been here in about a year. i'm off by about a month. i was jus surfing around and remembered this. i've been using teenopendiary, but it went down or somethin, so i'm not alowed back in it. it'll come back though i think. i have alot of friends on teenopendiary. personally, i think that it's better, but hey, thats alright. i'm jus writing in this because i don't have anywhere else to write. looking back on the things that i wrote i am not realizing how stupid i was. theres no word to describe how much has happend since the last time i wrote. well, accually, i didn't really KNOW that it was happening, but it did. i can't believe that i never saw anything in tyler or joey. and i can't believe that i like steven and jon so much. i had so much trouble with jon.

well i know that i mentioned michael alot when i was younger, and for a while, he jus was kinda out of the picture. i got my hair cut real short that last feb and...well...thats when things started to change...

i went on about my year, and the end was really sad, and i was so scared of the next year (i don't know why now, but thats ok). after a while i started to realize that joey and tyler looked real good...lol. i went to bible school, and saw them like everyday for a week. i even went over to joeys house. the weird thing was that joey was accually talking to me (kinda at the time...accually it's more like looking at me, but hey, you get it right?) i liked him so much by the time that camp was over (btw, like the whole girl population of the 8th grade came with me lol). well it was the last week in september i think it was that i got the biggest shock of my life...

one day, i was jus sittin there by myself on the back of bryan collins truck after youth watching joey and tyler play bball. well, joey comes over and sits beside me, and we're jus talkin. and this is weird for me, cause i mean, i hadn't ever really talked to him all that much or whatever. tyler comes over too, so we're all jus over there talking and stuff, and i just all of a sudden thought that i would ask them if they had AIM and what their s/ns were. so i got them, and went home after that.
well i was at home online, jus sittin there, and well joey got on. he i/med me and we said hey, and i go "so what are you doing?" and he goes "nothin, jus thinkin about you!" and i was like ahhhhhhhhhhh because that was the last thing that i thought he would do. and so we jus talked (mainly about me, lol) and i figured out that he'd been liking me since about feb, or whatever. i was like DAMN! i wasted all that time, not talkin to him. well somehow one day when i was talking to him, we got got on the subject of kissing and he told me that he wanted to kiss me. i was REALLY happy, lol, because thats what i was thinking to. so (this is really dumb, but idk) we kinda "planned" it out and we said that we would do it that sunday at church. well sunday went by and nothing happend. alot of sundays and wednsdays went by, and nothing ever happend. then one wed, youth was over, and i had to stay late cause my dad had to do some stuff for the multimedia part of the church. it was dark in the youth room and i was laying on the couch because i was really tired. then joey walked in, and didn't turn on any lights. he jus walked toward me and bent down and kissed me, and i like started freaking out inside. it was fun :). well in total i kissed him 2ce, once on a wed, and once decorated for a "fall festival".

about that same time i had been talking to tyler and as it turned out he liked me too (tyler and joey were best friends). so we talked, and we were like, yeah it'd be fun if we could do something one sun. or wed.. we never really planned it out or anything. so it was a wed night, and as usual, i had to stay late. well i was in my moms classroom stealing some candy, and no one was upstairs except me, and i was just going to be quick, so i didn't turn on any lights (thank god i didn't). tyler came upstairs and came in, and jus all of a sudden kissed me. and this wasn't like joey, tyler frenched me. it was fun...mwaahaha. well it happend again sort-of recently. i think it was the weekend b4 christmas break. i was really mad because i told amber and she told like everybody. well sherry (the biggest mouthed girl in all history) wasn't supposed to know because of the reason i jus told you. she also goes to my church. well, i wasn't there one day, and she didn't really believe that i really did it, and she went up to tyler and was like, "did you and amanda really do something?"!!! i was (and still am) REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed at her. who does that sort of thing??? she's in the 7th grade, but she acts like she's in the 2nd. i hate her. i absolutly hate her. so tyler got mad because he thought that i told her. he didn't even know about the whole school knowing, and i don' plan on telling him. might i add that this could cost him alot...he had a GIRLFRIEND. so now everythings really messed up, and i want him so bad. i think that i'm in love with him. i've never felt like this about anyone except erich... uggggggh...i g2g, i'll write more later

sigh i think that i sigh too much these days....

2001-02-06T00:08:43Z

*sigh*, god, i wish that steven didn't like anyone. i liked him sence (sp) last year. i'm just gotta start to lie to myself more often. i stoped for a while cause it was causing problems w/ me (like depression etc...), but i don't care.
i got to skip technology friday cause i was crying. god, i had a bad week, and weiner set it off. everything was going wrong. and i mean EVERYTHING. weiner just said some stuff that just kinda made me START to cry, but he didn't make me. well g2g i'll write more later when my mom isn't standing over my shoulder.

~~~ME~~~

lalalala

2001-01-17T22:38:57Z

god, what i said about kristin the other day sounded homo....*shudder*. i am NOT homo!!!!! lol. god, i think that i like alex again........*sigh*....why????lol it's not fair!! on and off, on and off....oh well, he's hott.
*sigh* i really want to go out with somebody. gggggrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!! well i can't say anymore....

~~~ME~~~

lalala

2001-01-17T00:57:54Z

god, i'm bored.
hopefully i'm going to kristins house tomorrow.
kristins so sweet, the only thing is that she says i'm sorry all the time to anything. but that's alright, it's sweet...i guess...lol.
i got this really cute top the other day when i was with allison. it's the same color as heather, i hope that she doesn't get mad. i don;t think that it's the same style though. if it is, then heathers gonna be REALLY mad *sigh*. i don't want to make anyone mad.
I'm sick of alex, he's boring. i'm never going to talk to him again. lol i don't think that i like him anymore. that was short.
I can't wait till the dance, it's gonna be fun. i don't know who i wanna dance with, maybe these people....
1.) alex
2.) bao
3.) jon (even though he's a dick)
4.) steven (the only time that i danced w/ him was at the 8th grade social, and i was like in love with him then.)
5.) Justin (he's so hott, but i don't like him)
6.) varnell (he's so sweet, but i don't like him)
6.) brock (even i dunno why......i don't like him either)
7.) if i had my choice, i would dance with some of northwoods guys, but they don't come to middle school dances.
8.) whoever else

can't talk anymore.

~~~ME~~~

P.S.-i need a boyfriend before and durning valentines day, or it's gonna be so depressing!

i take it back

2001-01-16T22:12:03Z

i take back what i said about heather. i guess that i was just pissy that day. I know that heather would be there for me. that adds one more person to the list.
i absolutly need to know what alex's s/n is. that boy is so fine. the only bad part is that he's really shy, but i think that's sweet though. another bad thing is that he has no clue who i am...*sigh*...oh well. i wonder if he's home...
i g2g call alex, i'll write more later.

~~~ME~~~

sigh Why me? life sux......

2001-01-15T02:33:07Z

WHy me? life isn't going very well right now.

this is the comment i made on sarah's journal. i guess that it really wasn't for her, but more for me. in a way i guess that i just plunged myself into depression.

God, so far life sux for me, but it's getting better. for some odd reason, all of a sudden, everyine is talking to me. i mean people that i usually don;t talk to. it's weird. i guess that i have more confidence cause in my imagination(sp) guys (ecpessially alex hehe....) have been looking at me more (now i know that it's just me, and that they are really not doing it. i look at him enough for the both of us.). god, alex doesn't even know that i walk the face of the earth. everybody is his freakin friend, and i'm the one who likes him. on the down side, everyone is pissed at me now, and i don't even know what the hell i did. like especcially hannah, (the girl who plays base now) cause well she's jelious cause when i played base, everyine said that she was like the best clarinet player and all, and now that she playes base, she is not getting any attention for base OR her regular clar. people lsed at ME for something thats her damn fault. and then i can TELL that heather is pissed at me. god, everyone hates me in some odd twisted way. i don't seem to fit in anywhere, so i guess i should just stay by myself, and not enterfear with anyone or anything. people who are popular don't understand how it is.people like me don't know what it's like to be like that. do anything that you want. just lay back and chill. wear anything, and get any guy that they want. even the guys don't. why??? it's so fucked up. maybe i should just go even fruther down the line than i am now. or at least back to what i used to be. at least i used to have fun. god, i don't know what the hell to do. god, maybe you should just forget this whole thing. i started off on a positive note, and i just made myslef even more depressed. in short, life it fucked up, and i really dont give a damn bout what happens anymore. screw it all.

amanda rae
(Reply to this)

I'm not having the best luck with guys or friends, (obviously). Why??? the scary thing is, i just found out who my friends are. I was crying the night that i wrote this, and so i needed support. i thought that i mighe call heather or something, so i did. she didn't notice anything, and kinda blew me off. i know that it's selfish, but arn't friends supposed to be there for eachother? if she called me on teh phone, i would know if something was wrong. i always do. i went throught this for a while, and then i called sarah. god i love her (NOT in a homo way). she knew something was wrong, so i had to tell her. she supported me, and cared for me. she even said that if i wanted to start screaming at her for no particular reason, that it was ok with her. she wouldn't mind. she cheered me up, and then she said something that makes me cry everytime i think about it. i don't know why and it's kinda stupid, but she said to only stick with the people who love me for who i am, the ones that don't make me put on a mask, the ones who are there for me......my true friends. that girls gotta lot of insite for her age. THANK YOU SO MUCH SARAH L!! teh i started to think about who would be there. i came up with a list, and the depressing thing was that the list was kinda short. i mean i have alot of friends, but they won't be there if i need them. the people are sarah l, sarah B (:-)) brando=i, kristen P, and kristin R. i know that there is probrably(sp) more (like 2 or 3) people that would be there, but i don't know. i said something to kristin today, and i know that she felt sorry for me. i didn't want her to feel BAD for me, i guess that i was looking to her for answers and support. kristin is the sweetest person......I LOVE YOU KRISTIN (again NOT in a homo way...lol). thank you so much. well i g2g, i will write more later.

~~~ME~~~

i am very confused.....

2000-12-22T22:51:50Z

God i don't know what to do.......i've tried to get over jon, but i don't think that i'm ready to yet.....sarah told me how, but i don't think that i'm up to it. i got in a big fight with allie about erich the other day, and i know that she is still mad at me. the sad part is that she beleve the lies that people told her about why i broke it off with erich. i don't think taht it's healthy for me to hang around him. the less that i talk to him, the less i like him. i guess that it's not true love. i was at sarah L. house today, and we stayed on the phone with bao for 3 hours. i never erally talked to him before, and i just thought that he was like most of the guys in the 7th grade. ugly, preverted, somewhat quiet, and that he jus hung around all the other pervs, like jon K. and them. but while i was on the phone, i figured out that none of that was true cept that he hung out with jon K (not the one that i have been raving over). he's SO sweet, and caring. he has this soft side, and has things that only me and sarah know about (i'm not sopossed to tell, but i swear it is so sweet!). the weirdest part is that i only have truly known him for about 5 hours now, and i think that i like him.....that's sad. i don't wanna get myself into something that i will regret. well i can't write anymore.

~~~ME~~~

more about jon.......

2000-12-22T15:39:26Z

alrighties......i havn't talked to jon today, but i think that i will sometime. the whole thing is just so weird......i don't get why he did all these things, and then expects me to tust him and what he says. i think that i will call him while i'm at my friends house today. sarah!!!! what is wrong with me!!!!! help!!!!! out a coment on this!!!! why can't i get over him? yeah he's hott, got a nice butt and all.he IS the kinda person that if you were a loser like me, and you have never kissed a guy before, he is the one that you would wanna make out with first. but on the other hand, he is a jerk(consult sarahs journal), he IS a player, and not to be trusted. he's mad at me anyhow. i can't write anymore cause sarah is getting SO bored. she's talking about thw worlds thinist cookie. well i will write later!

~~~ME~~~

Uh-oh...here comes Jon

2000-12-22T02:41:16Z

Well here we go again......Jon this, Jon that, he has a freakin girlfriend, but yet...he goes and tell sarah that he likes me.....ME i tell you ME!!! *shudder* it seems like i only want him when i can't have him. it's not fair!! why me? WHY ME????? i'm like traped in whast to do. please help me! i know he has a g/f and all, but i guess that you caould say that i stilkl have "feelings" for him. *sarcasticly* yeah that's it, 7th grade "feelings". Sarah! HELP ME!!!!! you know what to do. well nevermind, i know what you're going to say......"you need to get over him amanda.....he's not good for you amanda". i should have listened to you in the first place, and never got to know him at all. Someone.....anyone....help me! i will elaborate later.

~~~ME~~~